Never Been Kissed (via hopelessbuthopingg)
Since I have lost everything in the journey after “Attempt 3” I shall try and recap a bit, just to sum up what has been happening romantically in my life but if you followed before then don’t worry too much about this. Oh, if you knew someone who followed this blog before then please tell them I am here, heaps of you are telling me you couldn’t find me and I am worried people might be looking but can’t find me. I miss all my followers :(
This is going to be quick: Nothing much changes.
After the drama of deleting him on Facebook we managed to become friends again or whatever, stuff happened like always. But then typically he acted cold to me again, and more drama happened. But for like the only time ever we actually talked about things one day in his car at the beach, we just talked and I know I was honest. I really hoped he was, he told me to move on and whatever, like he said it was fine because he needed to fix himself before he fixed me.
For a few weeks after this we didn’t really speak, then he started flirting with me again and it was like he didn’t mean what he had said to me at all. That was one of the major things, that happened.
After that I am not really sure, we just played back and forth. Like one week we would be great, and we would hang out like one time me and him and my brother hung out one Friday night. But then he wouldn’t talk to me. Another time, a few weeks later the two of us and our brothers watched a movie, then he acted weird with me and wouldn’t talk to me. It was the same old stuff.
In other news between all of these drama filled periods I always seemed to be getting random guys calling me hot and what not. Like this guy I knew from school, who goes to my university. (He was a babe, I wrote the best post about him I am not gonna lie. He has the really blonde curly hair, he is tall and dresses like a hipster from tumblr. He likes Oscar Wilde. And he always likes my photos of Facebook. We should get married right?) There was also this guy who is friends with a friend of mine at uni, he was really weird so we wont go there.
There was also this adorable boy who flirted with me in a bookstore (Bookstore Boy! RIP that beautiful post, I don’t have the heart to try and rewrite it.)
But Boy X still remains the sole romantic interest, the last few weeks have been bad for this. Let’s recap. We were ignoring each other. My friend gave me his jacket to give to him. I tell him on Facebook, he completely ignores me. He calls me to ask for it. He comes and gets it. Awkwardest moment ever in the rain, not romantic comedy like at all. A week later we see each other, he txts me asking to talk. We talk together for like a minute before getting interrupted. He says he wants to take me out, just us two, together, alone. He says we need to make time for us. I swoon like a stupid girl. Things go back to normal, we talk all the time. He does cute things like follow me home in his car at night to be cute, so I don’t get lost. He takes my brother to play hockey, he gives my brother a hockey stick, he drives my brother home places. We hang out with all our friends. He lets me sit in his front seat. We joke around, he touches my hand heaps. My friends all notice. Then he just starts ignoring me. He says “we are mates aye?” I say yea, because I don’t know what he wants. We never talk anymore. I see him on a Friday night. He looks like he wants to speak to me. He doesn’t. We pretend like neither of us care. But I know we both do.
Now yesterday I got a mean anon on my personal tumblr, it didn’t really bother me I mean it was probably just some random person. But he saw it and chatted me, I felt super awkward about it and he told me not to listen to any haters. I thought that was that but then he tried to talk to me about something today, he asked me if I was going to this thing my friend was going to. I said no I wasn’t going and he was like ok. Legit just like okay.
The fact that there’s over 7.2 billion people in the world and not even one of them is taking one for the team by dating me is extremely unacceptable
(Source: olvidare)
Sometimes I feel like doing this, I think that maybe it will be easier or something but I don’t know. I am just so afraid I will regret it later.
I will just spend this time dreaming about how it will happen, hopefully it will live up to my expectations. Thanks for sharing.
x.
Oh thank you so much! I am sorry I had to disappear but I am back now :)
x.
honest. you two are stubborn personalities from what I read, you do things in your own time. You pull back from not texting, not seeing and it both kills each other when this happens, but you do this… you pull your walls up because your playing hard to get, and trying to make sure each other feelings are real. He only wants to know if you feel the same for him as he felt for you for years, and obviously you do.:) now… its time for an attempt that might scare you that might lead you to be vulnerable, but that what you have to do. This vulerability Im talking about isnt going up him and kissing him, its… finally telling him about the times where he made you so made when he pulled away, about how many time you wanted to tell him you like him. tell him. or he will never know. what you are scared of already happened. you have already been hurt by him, so take the leap of faith, and tell the man.
:)
x
Sounds very sweet, and I am glad don’t regret the moment! Thanks for sharing.
x.
“Now after three weeks of silence he decides that being friends would be fun. So he talks to me again in the same way he always would. Now at first I was hesitant. I definitely guarded my heart and it took longer for us to reach the same places. By this I mean it started off as he would just ask me how I was or how I had been and it progressed to more and more contact. This took a few weeks but then it suddenly took off again. And by this I mean that he all of a sudden started wanting to talk to me every day. Now as I have said I wanted to not fall into things this time. So when he asked me what I was doing one Friday night I knew it was a stupid thing for me to say nothing, because this would always ultimately end up with him wanting to see me right. I specifically remember this conversation because it put up one of those giant flashing signs in my head. He had told me he was supposed to be going out with some friends to watch fireworks for Guy Fawkes, but he told me that he would rather see me. So I told him to give me a reason to want too. He told me his parents were out and I should come over and watch a movie and just chill with him.
So I stupidly said yes and then he txt me later that night telling me he was still going out and he would see me another time.
I felt ridiculously stupid, I had basically fallen at his feet. Or at least that was what it felt like when I had sworn to be careful this time. Now while I was certain there was something going on, as in he wanted me back because he had asked me to see him I was not completely sure until later that night. I was just at home and he of course had to txt me. It was one of those texts that you never expect to get. He basically was telling me that he was watching the fireworks and thinking of me, because everyone else had someone to cuddle with.
With this development things progressed into what it always progresses into with him. A undefined thing. It was great to have him again but it was the world’s worst timing. We had both just had our last weeks of school and were on study leave as our final exams were starting. I am not the worst best studier, I am terrible and I was so stressed out. These exams were what my entire future depended on for University next year. So he was always asking to see me and I was always turning him down. I just didn’t have the time.
This it was what made the whole thing implode on us for a bit and caused a massive argument. He basically told me I make no effort and I knew this was true.
I am not sure if you all feel the same way as I do about this but please tell me if you do or not. I think I have a problem with this whole making and effort thing. I just feel too vulnerable making the first step or putting myself out there. I find as a girl I come across so needing and attention seeking when I am texting him first or asking him to do things. I have a fear of being that girl. That girl who is annoying because she never leaves him alone to the point where she drives him mad.
And I know this is a huge breaking point in our relationship. He thinks because I don’t make an effort my heart isn’t in it, that he is the only one. This is true, I need to open that part of me up so I can make more of an effort and not be so afraid that if I do I will get shut down.
I understood this and I was fine with working on this. What got me was the next part of the argument. He started going off at me about one of my guy friends.
Now let’s call this him Guy B. Now Guy B is my friend, or as I could more relatively put it he is in the friend zone. It’s just how it is. I met him a few years ago, and we got to know each other through other people. He knows Boy X and we all hung out at the camp we went on, I had good memories of both me, my best friend and both of these guys hanging out in our cabin. They were friends then, but I think this changed when Guy B took me to my school ball this year. As you would know from reading earlier posts (Tagged under- The Journey) Boy X took me to the ball the year before. These two boys are quite different, Boy X likes to brag about how he spends 3 hours at the gym a day while Guy B like to brag about how he is on the environmental council at his school. Yet they are very similar, they are both massive flirts. Guy B flirts with ever girl, and we just accept that as friends he flirts with us but it means nothing.
Now the reason why Boy X starts going off about him was all because of a comment on a photo on facebook. He had commented on a photo of mine saying, “What a babe.” And a few people had liked it as they do. Now Boy X immediately thought he liked me and started asking me about it. As I have mentioned before Boy X has a few friends that are girls. And by a few I mean heaps.
I honestly don’t care about all the girls he is friends with because I know they are just friends or whatever. It just bothers me when they blatantly flirt with him. And he intentionally or unintentionally flirts back. And he has the nerve to get annoyed at one guy who called me a babe.
So I went off at him about the girls that he talks too. This got a very harsh reaction out of him, as in he was very defensive. So it was settled that we would have a sort of break (Is that even possible for people who aren’t even dating?)
I was fine with this, it was actually what I wanted. I wanted to focus on my studying but everything about him distracted me.
So exams rolled around and when they were over, things went back to normal. I mean literally the day we had our last exam he skyped me. My exact thoughts were, so much for a break? I hadn’t had time to process anything that had gone down between us and it was serious stuff I needed to consider.
I didn’t want to get back into things because I was still trying to figure things out but we fell back into the same pattern. But this time I had my walls up. I was determined to keep him for as long as possible this time, I did not want to lose him. From looking back I could see from both our failed attempts the break down had happened when we had started hanging out together just the two of us to quickly and suddenly. This discovery is what prompted me to decline him all the time he asked me to hang out with him.
He constantly asked me to go and visit him. The first time he did I said I would come and visit him, something held me back though and by the time I had gathered all my courage up to tell him I was coming over he told me he was at the gym. That was like the ultimate shut down and from then on the walls were firmly up in place. I had adamant to not hang out with him. I just avoided it at all costs.
This led to another break down yet again. He told me is wasn’t working because as he had already told me several times before he felt like he was making all the effort and I wasn’t. He also said he didn’t have the time for me and a relationship. I took this as his way of saying he wants me just not as his girlfriend. He said he was in over his head and maybe we should leave this till another time when we were both ready. I felt the same way, I did not mind leaving it as I felt things were so messy and ruined at the moment. I knew I needed a break from it all for a while. At the end of our long conversation he got really deep with me telling me he wished me all the best because I deserve it and also that he hopes I find someone who is the missing piece I have been looking for. Or as I like to describe it as he went “Someone Like You” on me. A direct quote from me to this was, “I hope that one day you are ready to commit to someone because you deserve a good relationship with someone who deserves you.”
I felt good like it was a clean break, a nice finish that we could move on from then heal and maybe try again. It was mutual. But he wanted to remain friends and I was cool with that because friends for us really was nothing. But this time I think he really did want to make an effort.
Now while all of this happened my friends had told Guy B from before that Boy X didn’t like what he said about me. Guy B found this quite funny and everyone thought it was a funny joke to annoy him. So I started getting comments on my photos, writing on wall and everything. It ranged from “I had fun seeing you the other night x.” to “You and Guy B should make it official already!”
I didn’t really find it that amusing, and neither did Boy X. We were just having a casual awkward conversation asking each other how we were when out of the blue he just starts going off about it all. I tried to be rational with him but he didn’t care, so I ended up telling him I could do what I liked since he really didn’t have any right to care.
My friends love me and they are always trying to protect me. They have seen me in lowest points and they have seen me in my best. I love them heaps but I know that they are overbearing and a bit intrusive but they want what is best for me. Now my best friend and my other close friend were both tired of Boy X, they really do like him but they really do dislike him. When they found out that we had ended whatever we had and that he had gone off at me about Guy B they encouraged me to flat out delete him on facebook so he couldn’t see my page and delete his number. I won’t say they forced me to do so but I did feel pressured. So I did it. And it felt really good. I was free from it all and I didn’t have to worry about him. It was great but I did feel slightly guilty.
Now we have a break of about a week, and we arrive at the night before Christmas eve or more commonly known as Christmas eve eve. I was at home in my room while my parents took my younger siblings out looking at Christmas lights. I was just txting my best friend and all was swell. I did not expect what happened next.
You know the moment when you pick up your phone and open a message and you read it and you are like this is not what I was expecting. This was that moment. He had sent me a glorious heartfelt message for Christmas. I am going to share it with you guys because yes I still have it saved on my phone. It went like this,”Hey, I just wanted to say I really miss having you there and being almost mine. I hope you have a merry Christmas and I just wanted to tell you I miss you and have been thinking about you a lot.”
My first response was to swoon for about 10 seconds and then I threw my phone away saying NO. I was not supposed to be going there. And then I realised he probably hadn’t realised I deleted him.
I panicked and didn’t reply to him. So he sent another like “Hello?” and then he must have looked to see if I was on facebook. OH SHIT. He was like, “Oh deleted me as a friend, I get it now.”
And I still don’t reply. I am just sitting there like a coward. THEN HE STARTS CALLING ME. I ignore his call TWICE! then I cowardly answered.
What follows is a very strange and melancholic talk between us. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with everything that he was saying to me, he was just talking and talking. He was angry because he thought we were friends and I had gone and done this to him, while I was angry because I thought since we were friends he had no right to be telling me what I should romantically be doing. Somehow I told him that my friends had been involved in me deleting him, this did not go down well at all. This only gave him more reason to dislike my friends. We ended the conversation with him telling me that it was up to me if we went back to how things were or we left things. I had no idea what I wanted at all. I needed time. I needed a lot of time to think about this.
He didn’t give me any time, he started straight away (Like he seriously started texting me about it after we stopped talking.) I loved his explanation of what we were or are. “Well were friends who like each other so we have a thing then we kind of have a thing with almost benefits who are still in the process of getting to know each other better, is that right?”
Yes, this is the way he explained us, and it made me feel like anything but someone special.
I don’t know what I was thinking. And I have no rational excuse but I stupidly agreed that we should just go back to what we had before all of this. I think it was all the holiday loneliness and the fact that I really do like him.
So I said yes. And we left it at that. He called me on Christmas Eve and we chatted, it was adorable. He said he wanted to be the first person he said Merry Christmas to and I was.
All was swell but like always shit had to happen to screw it all up. He apparently went off at my friend about what had happened and she told him to stay away from me. I have since talked to her about all of this and I completely see her side or the whole situation. He came after her, and didn’t really have the right to say the things that he did to her. She also never said she didn’t like him she just told him that if he keeps hurting me to stay away from me, but if he was treating me well she supported it. As long as it made me happy.
So the next day he sent me a very long message telling me that because of this, my friends apparently disliking him and what not, we could not be together. This was only three days after Christmas. Three days.
It was the last straw for me. I couldn’t take it any longer so I didn’t fight. I didn’t ask why. I didn’t say anything apart from this.
“The reality is that I can’t control what my friends think or say about you. I just wish you didn’t have to care so much about what other people think. This doesn’t have anything to do with them but yet it always comes down to it.
I just can’t deal with this back and forth anymore, it is to emotionally draining. So if you are leaving then please don’t just whenever you feel like it barge back into my life. You have to make a decision and stick with it, you can’t just change your mind whenever you feel like it or things get hard.”
It felt amazing. He didn’t reply and he went away for his summer vacation. (Yes, I live in a part o f the world that has it Christmas in summer, who can guess where that is?)
I came to the conclusion that he had nothing in reply. It was a very good message guys right? This was fine, I was happy to have a summer free of him.
But then almost two weeks later, this Saturday he decided to reply to my message. It was like a big slap on the face when I realised. I had actually forgotten about it all. But I guess his crazy guy sense told him I was forgetting so he just had to screw things over for me.
He didn’t even have a good reply to what I said. He said, “Im sorry for everything. I really am just for what it’s worth.”
I ignored it. I had nothing to say to that. I was proud I did, I normally would have fallen right on his feet.
But then today he decides to txt me randomly out of the blue and this confirms my suspicions. He replying was a ploy to reel me back in. And that didn’t work so he was trying again. I know all he said was, “Hey, hope you’re doing good.” But it was too much to handle and yes I did reply sadly.
That is not what makes this worse. What makes this bad is that he didn’t reply back to me. I felt as if he was laughing at me from far away. I need to be stronger and that was what I gathered from that. It is just he is too hard to resist? Do you guys know what I mean when I say that? I feel like to forget him I need another guy to distract myself with. If only I could find one.
So yea, that is that. I have made it all the way from the Attempt 1 to today. I have decided to keep you guys updated with all the things going on with Boy X by writing weekly (or more like every two weeks) updates of how he is tormenting my life one cute txt or smile at a time. That way you guys can keep up with all our new attempts. But I will also write about new guys or potential guys if there is any. As well as this I will be writing entries about why I haven’t been kissed. It is the puzzling question that plagues me and probably any of you that are a part of the club. Why haven’t I been kissed yet? Or why haven’t I had a boyfriend yet? This will include things such as our personalities, experience, and appearance but will ultimately come down to why I have not found the right guy yet.
But in regards to the Attempts, what is your opinion on my relationship with Boy X? You can be brutally honest, don’t worry all of my friends are. Do you have a guy just like him? Have you had an off and on experience like this one? Send me a question or just simply like the post to tell me you have enjoyed it. Thanks so much for reading my lovely followers and any others I appreciate the support!
x.”
